GeT tHe DocToR

Inside the mind of Robert Elias...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Attack of the Bobbleheads!


I have a friend with a really big head. You know who you are, don't front... and the other day I was criticized for having a head too small for my body... funny. Now, I could be wrong but I really disagree with this statement. Maybe because I have a huge ego... such a huge ego... So I really don't think there is much wrong with me... But, seriously, do I have a small head? What if I do? Death. I kid, I kid... Okay I don't... Anyhow, this brought me to thinking, do you know anyone with a Bobblehead? Cause I do.... That's what I'm calling it... and if I have a "small" head then I can definitely make fun of those with "big" heads. Is it like Damien from Mean Girls famously said "That's why her head is so big...it's full of secrets." What causes big head? Genetics? Brain power? Air? Bad luck? From Tyra Banks, Zhang Ziyi, Hayden Panetierre and Paris Hilton to Bill Clinton, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Dolly Parton and of course the biggest bobblehead of them all Jay Leno... Celebrities suffer from big head too, so if youre reading this and you suffer from bobblehead, it's okay.... But, is it an epidemic? If you have bobblehead are you mixed with alien? Cause aliens have big heads, maybe one of youre parents was an alien.


So, I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat and began doing research... According to http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/ SWOLEN HEAD syndrome is caused by either Hydrophelacus (WTF! Apparently this is a build up of fluid inside the skull, leading tobrain swelling... rough). It can also come from Gigantism (I may suffer from this), certain types of Dwarfism (didn't know there was more than one) or even plain genetics. So chances are youre parents are to blaim. I'm just gonna put that out there...


So all you Bobbleheads, never fear, because youre light shall shine forever. There will always be a celebrity or even a family member or friend spreading the bobblehead gene. As for my friend, the one who told me I have little head syndrome. I have posted some pictures of celebrities so you can compare youre bobblehead with their bobblehead. I even posted a picture of myself with a bobblehead circa 1980. I see a lot of similarities. Someone get a doctor. I feel crazy.


-R. Elias

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Just Because...


Hello world... First things first... ADELE is the best new artist to come from the UK since Amy Winehouse... Just thought I'd say that... if you don't know who she is, then go crawl back under your rock and download one of her tunes... genious. I hope people feel this way about my music one day... otherwise I'm fucked. Studio Cody (porn production company) here I come...


So today's post is called "Just Because..." and it's not just because I felt like writing a quick blog before I go to my new gym... which by the way I am very excited about! Hottest asses in Miami... For real. Anyhow, I am writing this blog in tribute to the "Just Because Factor"... Don't know it? I doubt it. Everyone has experienced the "Just Because Factor" atleast once in youre life... And I am here to tell you that I am over it. I am angry. I am confused by it and I think it should be banned simply because of the amount of stress relief that would flow into our lives...


Have you ever done a favor for a friend "just because" they are youre friend? Have you ever had to show up at a family event "just because" they are youre family? Or perhaps you went to a funeral "just because" you knew the person who was related to the corpse... Maybe you even let stupidities slide "just because" you are supposed to... You've been there, I've been there. Here's a quick example, ever since I can remember my father has thought he was The Godfather/Tony Soprano so he frolicks around town with his wife, who dresses like Marilyn Monroe (seriously). They commit crimes, pop prescription pills and cause havok among the family (shhhhh...it's a secret). Should I have to deal with his actions "just because" he is my father? I don't think so. But MAMA (my grandma/his mother) does... "Robertico, tu papa, pobresito como pasa trabajo..." Really? I mean. Really? Recently my stepmother was arrested on counts of Grand Theft and Fraud, should I have to help with the bail money "just because" she is in relation to my father? Listen, It's unfair and I say we veto the "Just Because Factor" in these kind of scenarios... It's much easier to forget it or ignore it or laugh about it. Especially laugh about it. A lot.

However (sigh) in some cases the "Just Because Factor" is inevitable. Warning:No Escape! i.e. When a relative is dying in the hospital you go "just because" their dying... or when a friend just got dumped you need to be there "just because"... Or especially when a new Mariah Carey record comes out, you know she's not the same anymore, you know she's eternally 12, you know she's in urban mode, but you buy the album "just because". Someone get a doctor. I feel crazy.


-R. Elias

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Success...

Hola World! That's right, Robert Elias has created a blog. Ugh. After much anticipation and the urge to create a place to release my thoughts, desires and opinions I am writing my first entry. I'm not sure what I will write about or if I will even write everyday but I wanted another form of expression besides my music. Oh shit... hold on... Sorry... My abuela asked me if I wanted breakfast. I have to admit, there's something very comforting about the fact that I had to move in with my abuela last year. She cleans, does my laundry, she even moderates her Cuban cuisine so that I can have healthier less grease filled choices for dinner... Anyone who is cuban knows this is VERY hard for their abuelas... Don't judge me. I am not ashamed to say that I am 25 years old and I have a maid called MAMA. I give her something to do... I feel like without me around she'd get bored. With that said, it still doesn't stop me from wanting to keep my goal of moving out by the end of the year... I'm dreading the day she walks in to my bedroom and I'm rubbing one out... rough.

Okay back to the blog, Yesterday over lunch with some friends we got into a somewhat heated conversation about success... What is success? What does it mean? Can it mean different things to different people? The truth is, I don't know. I don't think I have personally reached the level of success I want yet, but I do know that I am on my way and that I have done it all on my own. To me that can be seen as some sort of success. I didn't take the traditional road to "success" and I surely haven't looked back. I think what everyone is scared to say sometimes is that they think success is money. Is it? What if you're born into money? Do the rules change?

My friend mentioned she was attracted to men that were successful. So what if the man is an accomplished trash man or a very highly respected CVS employee, is he still successful? I think so. Does the man necessarily need to be a doctor or a lawyer or a traveling entrepenuer to be successful? What if it was handed to him? Different people are handed different cards. To me, success is a state of mind. If youre gonna be something be the best you can be at it and success will come.

In the end, what have I learned in the last 3 minutes? Success is different to everyone. It doesn't make you better and it doesn't make you more accomplished. If you want to be that employee of the month at Rico Bakery you go for it! If you want to become the next Georgio Armani, make it happen! If you're goal in life is to just hang out at home and smoke pot, smoke away! (Save me some) In my case if you want to be (In Celine Dion voice) "The greatest singer in the world", make youre move! You will feel successful just for trying... Someone get a doctor, I feel crazy...

- R. Elias